Dear Merle and Pat,

That is so nice of you but I’m already rich enough.

Best Regards,


Dear Captain,

First of all please define “some amount of funds.” I don’t get out of bed in the morning for less than $30 million. Actually, I don’t get out of bed in the morning ever. What time do you consider morning to be over? What time is it in Afghanistan right now? Did you know that I am the most famous depressed hot person in this country? I don’t know why you think I would be a good partner or someone you can trust. This has never been proven. 


Hello Ashtar R. Mohmmed (Ms.)

I am so happy that you contacted me for more information about my country. Did you know that I am the President of my country? My country is called North Dakota, and it just opened today. I would love to tell you all about it, except there’s nothing to tell unless you like snow and suicide. Also, I think you left out the line about your husband being killed by assassins and you wanting to share 30 million dollars with me. Please advise. 


Dear Mrs. Joseph,

First of all my name is not Dear. My name is Depressed Hot Girl. I too have a newly found friend in Australia, and he lives in a bamboo tree. I don’t know what “dropped an automatic teller” means but I hope it didn’t take you longer than 20 seconds. Did you perhaps leave out the word “million” after the $5.8? If so I am interested in your response. If not feel free to die at any moment like you stated you are working on.



One thought on “Spam”

  1. Dear DHG,

    Please consider this a cease and desist regarding your proclamation as President of the country of North Dakota.

    First, North Dakota is the 39th State in the country known as the United States of America. Seriously, we’re land-locked, flat, frigid in winter, hot and dry in the summer and have less than 1 million people.

    Second, North Dakota is a puritanical, ok I’ll say it, prude state. We don’t admit we like tits, ass, or other body parts. DHG, you are no North Dakotan.

    And lastly, what kind of name is DHG? Depressed Hot Girl sounds like one of those HBO or Showtime affairs, and we don’t get those channels here.

    So, just stop. Because, I can’t.


    Jack the Governor

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