Gumbutt

For those of you who aren’t as up to date on current events as I am, this Craigslist add recently went viral. 

Dear owner:

This is so weird but I have a Koala Bear named Gumbutt. I named him that because when I rescued him I thought he had gum on his butt, but it turned out to just be Silly Putty.

I too was in the dark as to what to ask for a used Koala, and when I googled “used Koala Bears” the only thing that came up was your ridiculous fucking ad. Anyway, I found Gumbutt in the paint section of Home Depot on Third Avenue in New York City. He’s about 47 years old and he’s a notary. He’s very good with my two dogs and likes to caress them when they sleep. Every other Sunday, after church, he cross dresses as a cat just to fuck with them. He’s on a strict diet of ham and Spam. Occasionally he likes a spicy tuna roll. He hates TV and smashed it on the floor. He sleeps 23 hours a day because he’s exhausted from his wild imagination, the voices in his head, and Xanax. He hates the mailman. He carries a concealed weapon (in his pouch.) Since he is afraid of heights we put him on the bottom bunk, and we suggest you do the same. He once tried to burn down the house. Since we don’t know where he came from we can’t ship him back.  A psychic told us he is probably from The Red Sea, or Malta, but we think he’s French Canadian. Or from East Hampton. I agree with you about how hard they are to bathe, so once a week we just throw a bucket of water on him while he’s asleep. His Facebook page is suspect. He sucks at cleaning and chess. In his past life he was a secretary for a lube entrepreneur. His favorite place is Butterfly World. He works hard and plays hard. Family is very important to him. His friends would describe him as hairy and fun. When he falls in love he falls hard, just like Kim Kardashian.

We would like a million dollars for Gumbutt, but we’ll settle for someone just taking him. He comes with a free vanity plate that he made himself during his minor stint at a state penitentiary. 

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