Thank you for endorsing me Hillary! If your wish comes true I will be the first woman President in 2016. If anyone reading this has Hillary’s number please contact me privately because she’s not listed. I really need to get in touch with her to find out what she’s wearing to our first debate. I don’t want to outshine her.
Some folks might think that I don’t have the knowledge or experience to be President, but that’s simply not true. Below are my credentials.
1) Report card from 7th grade . . .
2) Below is an award for first place mixed media artist in a Westhampton art show from 1998.
3) Here’s a comment a reader wrote on Amazon.com about my book Girls Are Weird.
As a side note, I have this bag listed on Ebay:
If Hillary buys it then I will have her email and mailing address. Fingers crossed.
I should also mention that I was a political science major in college for one semester. I did that because I thought I wanted to go to law school. Then I realized I’d rather kill myself. I mean, it’s a miracle I didn’t drop out of college. I remember a therapist I was seeing at the time said to me, “Well, look at it this way: you’re still in school and you’re not a drug addict.” Four years later I became one.
Anyway, I’m really excited to become President. Like most jobs I’m sure I can do it from my bed with an iPhone and a laptop, and my eyes closed. I’m aware that a term is four years but I’ll probably get bored way before then, I guess that’s when the Vice President takes over. I know it’s traditional to live in the White House, but I don’t think that’s a very safe idea. What if the last President forgot to change the locks before he left? The President should really live in an undisclosed location. I mean I’ll definitely visit the White House, online. I also have no problem posting weekly Photoshopped images of myself working there, like this one of me exercising on the front lawn . .
Or this one of me under a lot of stress in the Oval Office . . .
My platform is very unique and diverse. I promise to close North Dakota and redecorate West Virginia. Or should we just close West Virginia too? Do we really need it? And i’m considering giving Texas back to Mexico. I’m still working on other ideas.
Someone asked me recently who my favorite President was and I said, “Does almost count? If so the answer would have to be John F. Kennedy Jr.” I mean there was no other President I would want to sleep with. Speaking of, I can’t wait to pick my own Secret Service. I put an ad on Craigslist and marked it “urgent.” Since we don’t want people to know what the ad’s for, because it’s a secret, we kept it pretty vague.
And then this came in . . .
That explains so much!
However, I just don’t think he’s serious enough for the job.
Since I have no idea what I’m doing, I need to hire a campaign manager asap. I found this guy on Google. He looks like a mix of every boyfriend I ever had, but I don’t know him well enough to hate him. He lives in Australia, but Air Force One goes really fast so it’s not a problem.
Speaking of Air Force One, this is what came up when I Googled it:
I realized I spelled it wrong, but still.
I also need a Cabinet. I guess this will work:
Speaking of cabinets, I once paid a guy I knew to build me a custom cabinet. He started building it and then I told him to forget it. Then, somehow, his ex-girlfriend cashed the check by accident so we agreed that he could refund me in sexual favors. There’s more to the story obviously but the word “cabinet” made me think of that.
I am really excited for my debates with Hillary. When she heard that she was running against me this was her reaction:
Here is the stage for our debate:
The actual event . . .
This is going to be so much fun! In the meantime I’ll be on the street handing out flyers. Look for me. If I’m not friendly it’s because I’m depressed. And I hate people.