DHG vs. Hillary

I asked the god of my understanding if I will be elected President and this was the response:

Most likelyNow comes the real work. I know lots of diplomats and heads of state will be coming over for dinner so we need to make a good impression. I have been very busy designing new plates and mugs for such events. I am having my plates made at Zazzle.com because I can put whatever I want on them and I don’t have to talk to anyone while doing it. Another good thing is that they are made of Melamine so if I throw them at someone they might get hurt, but the plates won’t break.

Zazzle plate

mugThey all have the Presidential seal on them, are dish washer safe, and have been approved by Oprah. Not Oprah Winfrey, but another very important Oprah.

People always want to bring gifts when they come to a dinner party but are not sure what’s appropriate or needed. Well I just did some research online and it said that the White House requires 570 gallons of paint to cover its outside surface. Seeing that that costs a pretty penny, it would be nice if each guest brought at least five gallons of paint with them. And something for my dogs, if they ever want to be invited back.

Since there are so many extra rooms in the White House that no one uses we are making some significant changes. Because it’s not 1800 anymore. And we don’t need old boring rooms named after colors.

white house french f

Here’s an idea of how this room will look after the renovations:

deyrolle

Another room we are getting rid of is the Lincoln Bedroom.

lincoln

Replacing it with this:

stripper

Finally, we will be replacing the oval office bathroom with an upside down one. Upside down bathrooms are very popular in Germany.

bathroom-fitting_801565i

I will never understand why everyone in the world knows exactly where the President lives. I mean, if you google me my address doesn’t come up so why should the Presidents? Why should every psycho in America be able to show up and scream on the front lawn and try to scale the fence and have to get shot and be the top story on the news? I mean seriously I will be as hard to find as Richard Simmons. And if and when I go out in public I will always wear an intricate disguise.

land of the free

I’ve been researching what my duties are as President. Some of them I like and some of them I don’t care for. For example, congratulating astronauts on their journey into space is a duty that sounds fun. I’m sure they’ll appreciate an e-card like this:

so money

Or . . .

you rock

Here are some other Presidential duties that I will be responsible for:

Inspecting a navy yard. For what? Ghosts? Meth? They need to be more specific.

Traveling to London to meet with British leaders. I hate London so they can come to me. And bring a translator because I don’t understand British accents.

Making a patriotic speech on the Fourth of July. No thanks.

Entertaining Japanese diplomats in the White House. Ok, I love Japan so I will go there. And they will entertain me.

Writing a message or a letter to the leaders of the Soviet Union. About what?? I can forward them some spam I got.

Since I’m going to have to be mingling with very important people, I’m working on becoming more friendly. It’s really painful. For example I texted Hillary the other day to see what was going on . . .

Me: “Hey. What r u wearing to the debate?”

HC: “I’m sorry but I don’t know who this.”

Me: “It’s DHG.”

HC: “Who?”

Rather than respond I texted her a picture of my business card.

DHG bitch

Then I found out that not only is she pretending not to know who I am, she’s also lying about her age again.

Hillary Tinder

Everyone should know that I don’t lie about my age. I don’t lie about my weight, my breast size, or my IQ. I don’t lie about anything. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I’ve inhaled. I also kissed a girl and I liked it. #FirstLadyForever

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